I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
