I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
