Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
