Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
