As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
