its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
