so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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