i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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