my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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