peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize