sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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