You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
