Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
