I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
