Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
