just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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