There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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