Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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