Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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