I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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