i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
