im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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