He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize