I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
