Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
