If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
