i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
