and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
