I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
