you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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