Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize