apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
honey bunches of taint.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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