Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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