they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
