He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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