I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
