I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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