I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
