omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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