Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
