He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
