Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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