Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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