Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
