Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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