Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
