I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
