Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
