My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
