pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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