Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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