he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
