i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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