i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
