Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
