you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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