No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
