update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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